The Politburo Diktat

Saddam Hussein Letter

The international Red Cross visited Saddam Hussein in jail for the first time Saturday, and the ousted dictator wrote a letter to his family that will be delivered once the United States confirms it does not contain any hidden messages to his followers. (per Yahoo News)

The Politburo has obtained a copy of Saddam's letter, which follows:

Dear Raghad,

The negotiations are proceeding well.The Americans have already given in on the Husky garbage tie issue and I expect them to roll on the Neutrogena soap question any time now, praise be to Allah. Although for my eyes' sake, I pray that Allah will roast in Hell the stomach of the unbeliever who invented flash bulbs.

I have much free time. The entertainment is not too bad. Have you heard the kufr, Eminem? he is no muezzin, but not terrible. Unfortunately my interrogators only have the one song "Eight Mile" and their SpinalTap-brand stereo starts at eleven. (Note to self: Have scientists duplicate this "endless loop" device.)

I also play a lot of cards, like I used to in the old days. It is good to be the dictator. No one complains when you cheat. At least they never did so more than once. No one complains now when I cheat either. I slip those Kings right up there. Heh. Indeed. Oh yes, our cultural takeover of America proceeds. Apparently they have made me an Ace, and your late brothers, peace be upon them, Kings.

My comeback to power has already started. Last month, I only controlled a 3 square meter spider hole. This month, a 10 square meter solitary cell. Next month, In'sh'Allah, it will be a whole suite. After the November elections, they tell me Bush will give me an entire "God's Acre," and I will be outfitted in splendid "cement overshoes." He will also personally serve me one of his famous plastic turkeys, although this ceremony will be at night; he will "put it where the sun don't shine." These Americans have entertaining idioms. I am going to commission a translation of the Koran into "American idiom." It should be a "hole-in-slam end-dunk home run."

The Red Cross says you can send a parcel. Please include a few rolls of silk, interwoven with gold-leaf toilet paper. The uncultured infidels use scratchy stuff, unfit for a dictator's moments of closeness to himself.

Also, an arp-shay ife-knay would be nice too. But ix-nay on the eys-kay to the ailer-tray in the esert-day with the MD-Way. Maybe later. The jackal bays at the moon. Ahmed sends 30 camels, repeat 30 camels, to Osama. Scott should see the fat man for the pictures of Madison. Jacques should see the chocolate watch-maker for his 50 million dates.

Peace be upon you, my daughter Raghad,

Your loving dictatorial father and President-for-Life of Iraq,

Saddam Hussein