January 28, 2004

Commissar Does Letterman

Top Ten Rules of Blogging

1. Do not apologize for light blogging. "Hey guys, sorry for the light blogging, but I've gotta turn a few bolts here at the tractor factory, so I won't be blogging much for the next six hours."

Set aside the fact that such warnings are typically followed by a Gatling fury of rapid-fire posts. Comrade, I hate to be the one to tell you ... but we will survive. Really. With support of my family, I think I will be able to get by the next day or two without an update from "YourDailyNanoBlogPundit.com."

2. Do not link every word in sentence to a different post, like this. Very nekulturniy.

3. One topic per post.

4. Keep it short. To the point. How many blogs on YOUR blogroll, comrade? Da, me too. Is a lot to read. If you are F*ing genius, I might wade through your latest 30,000 word essay. Brilliant as it is. Then again, maybe not.

5. No "Free Trackback posts." Is like drugs. Brief high feels good, then letdown. Then you get hooked. Like Nancy Reagan said, "Just say no." (Update: Free Trackback Posts explained)

6. No false updating, or "pseudo-pinging," or whatever. Almost as bad to post, "I don't have anything to post." Fine. THEN DON'T. Is there F*ing gun at your head?

7. Identify your sex. I hate it when the blogger is so elliptical as to obscure his or her sex. Tell us your sex. And age. And location. Like in chatrooms, "A/S/L." (Fine, no readers of Politburo Diktat have EVER chatted on line.) "A/S/L" means "Age/Sex/Location." Commisar is 50/M/NY. Not your sexual preferences, please. But give us A/S/L. (Note - Commisar does make guess about blogs with unidentified sex, --- both the sex of the blogger AND orientation.)

8. Maybe give us more than "Hey, I am bright conservative/liberal guy/gal, with news and views of the world." Is OK. Is not nekulturniy. But is somewhat "crowded in that space," da? Define your blog. Make it special. Make it you.

9. No quizzes. See #5. Or do blog on LiveJournal.

10. Set Site Meter to "Ignore Own Visits." Come, Comrade, you would not cheat at solitaire, would you?

Dos svidanya

Update: Certain Trotskyite comrades have taken a Supremely oppositional stance to this diktat. "It's my blog and I'll post what I want to./You would post if it happened to you."
These counter-revolutionary, anti-Party, and reactionary comrades who do not follow Party Line will be hunted down by KGB, liquidated, and then thrown into Lubyanka prison.


Posted by Commissar at January 28, 2004 11:15 AM
Confessions

I would add to that: "Don't regularly, publicly and profusely thank everyone who made a paypal donation or bought you something off your Amazon wishlist." When you start doing this on a regular basis, it makes people wonder if anyone gave you anything at all, or if you're just doing it to make others donate by saying "hey look, other people are giving me stuff so you should too".

Extracted from: dave at January 28, 2004 04:02 PM

Vat ist free trackback post meanink Comrade?

Extracted from: Tiger at January 28, 2004 04:34 PM

Comarade,

Only a Trotskyite would give in to the decedant notion of identifying ones sex. The rule ought to be that zhenshini let us know its a zaichika blog. Otherwise its assumed the tavarich is a mushini. We don't want the proletariat to get that special feeling looking at a guys blog, do we?

Extracted from: rusty shackleford at January 28, 2004 04:47 PM

well said. to let you know, there ARE some of us from you know where reading your stuff. you do make some good points now and then, as always. keep it up.

Extracted from: alex at January 28, 2004 05:19 PM

You can cheat at solitaire?

Oh...you mean with...real cards? Ugh. Won't your hands get dirty?

Extracted from: Comrade Sophorist at January 28, 2004 11:42 PM

Good advice for the most part. But:

5) What is free trackback post? Is this capitalist plot to liberate trackbacks?

7) What is wrong with strictly judging a site by the quality of its posts? Why do you need to know the other information? Collecting data files for your purge of those who enjoy free speech? If posters want to reveal this information, fine (my readers know I'm a happily married American male with kids; they do not know my age other than I'm getting old). If bloggers do not wish to share this information, that is fine with me too.

Extracted from: Admiral Quixote at January 29, 2004 07:40 AM

If I don't apologise for not writing as often, my fans (who are legion) go into spontaneous denial mode, reacting angrily, and beating the bejeesus out of lefties to assuage their anger.
As for A/S/L, does it matter? Let the reader create the image, that's why I write anyway. If I have done my job right, they'll know if they meet me in the street.

Extracted from: Chief Bastard at January 29, 2004 08:29 AM

The temptation is strong to link to this with a post that breaks all of these rules, but I too am stymied by the 'no free trackback' one.

And, well, the fact that I'm at work. :)

Extracted from: Moe Lane at January 29, 2004 09:20 AM

im still looking for that extremely hilarious post a few weeks ago that was deemed the best comment ever made on this blog.. help ;)

Extracted from: bender at January 29, 2004 12:39 PM

Bender,

Do you mean Comrade Boris' Comment on
the Tank post?

Extracted from: Commissar at January 29, 2004 01:06 PM

One topic per post? How can one enjoy liberal brain storming, a hazy connection of ideas and thoughts dumped as they come? I think one topic per post is pretty restrictive. Boo!

Extracted from: ChefQuix at January 29, 2004 02:34 PM

Commissar so tight when he fart only dogs hear.

Extracted from: Comrade Claire at January 31, 2004 10:52 PM

May the Motherland have mercy on you.
There are some narodniki out there that would have your tongue, so it is important to watch your back, da? MVD will be watching you.

Dobrii dyen.

Extracted from: Comrade Nikolai Dzhukarin, Ministry of Internal Affairs at February 6, 2004 05:02 PM